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Lord Elpus has new boots.

Alan Sloman has detailed the anguish that this biennial purchase causes him, on account of his peculiarly extensible feet. From one at size 8 1/2 and one size 9, standing up they measure an astonishing size 10 and 10 1/2 . Longer, but not wider (think Coco the clown and you’ll get the picture) so the current trend toward wider fitting boots does not suit Lord E at all.

Steve at Lockwoods diagnosed “hyper-mobile” feet (odd that, I’ve never found any part of him especially mobile) and finally found Lord E a pair of long narrow boots to fit his long narrow feet. Job done? Not with Lord E!

The boots have remained housebound for over a week. Upstairs, downstairs, on improvised ramps, up and down they go (Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Infantry Columns’ comes to mind). Finally, today, I’d had enough.

“I’ve just about reached breaking point” I snapped.

“Eh?”

“Outside – you’ve got to try them outside, on a proper walk - outside”

“I just want to be sure…certain”

“One things for sure – if you don’t get them on your feet and go for a walk, I will – a long one!”

And off we toddled. First on a pleasant country road – Lord E began to relax. Then a dry, well surfaced bridleway – Lord E began to smile and chat. Grassy paths to a country church, a pleasant lunch. The boots were fine (if a little garish with their bright yellow stripes), and off we went down another lane to a path…a muddy path.

“We could just follow the road round”, said Lord E

“Why? – it’s miles”

“Well…er..it is a bit muddy”

“So?”

“What about my new boots – they’ll get dirty”

We followed the path - with Lord E tip toeing over the damp bits, not smiling now. Eventually the path got a bit wetter, muddier and eventually becoming a stream. I went on ahead, so as not to hear his sobs as the bright yellow boots turned to a shade of cow pat brown.

We didn’t talk much in the car on the way back, but his day was finally redeemed by our neighbour, who turned up with a bottle of Talisker and a 16 year old Lagavulin (to say ‘thanks’ for photographing her husbands 60th birthday).

Phew!

Three Taliskers later he has just beamed, “Glad I decided to get the boots broken in today”.

“Yes, dear”

Peace at last.